Inside Her Mind- Part I

Inside Her Mind- Part I- Marriage and The Things Related.

I have observed this; there are certain taboos in our society when it comes to women. No matter how much ever we love to tag ourselves as the most modern and liberal individuals, I have realized that when it comes right down to it, we still prefer to shy away or cocoon ourselves in our age old ideas concerning women.

Being a girl in her mid-twenties, I have been prey to a lot of such talks where I have been tempted to really question the sanity of the person throwing dumbfound questions towards me.

A lot of times, I and my parents have already been asked questions like “when is your daughter getting married?”, “Oh, she is 24? Are you not trying to find a groom for her yet?” followed by “It’s high time you start with your search as it’s pretty difficult these days.” Not to mention the king of all, “umar nikal jayegi.”

This reminds me of a conversation my mom recently had with one of my aunt, where she asked my mother about her intentions of getting me married.

Mom: “She wishes to study further.”

Aunt: “How much more does she want to study? She is already 24, with 2 degrees. Aur kyu ab?”

Mon: “It’s her dream!”

Aunt: “Itna padhke kya karna hai. Wese bhi baadme ghar hi toh sambhalna hai”

Oh yes, for all you guys out there, such people still do exist. & for the girls reading this, I am sure you must have faced such an argument at least once; and if you haven’t, trust me, you will!

I fail to understand how can people be so orthodox, or should I say, blinded? Women are reaching places; they are achieving epitomes of success. They are working off their asses in companies, and they are reaching the space. I know this sounds clichéd but it is a fact worth stating, no matter how typical the argument might sound. As here, we still have people- polished, educated, city-dwellers, who still go about with the same thought process which has been (or so I thought) needs to be abandoned right away.

I do not wish to make this an argument about feminism or how great women have been in the society, but I cannot help but quote examples of Chanda Kochhar, Indra Nooyi, Dr. Rani Bang or Deepika Padukone. Look at what each one of them has achieved in their respective fields. Worth the mention, and worth the respect.

I always feel, the sixties and seventies is one of the most failed generation. Before you all pounce on me, let me state that my parents belong to the same one and I still stick to that point. The reason why I feel this way is because that generation has sort of seen the most oppression from the preceding generation and the greatest liberty from the succeeding one (that’s us, 90s & further). They are probably so stuck in understanding what to do where to be, that they have miserably screwed themselves up. They wish to adapt to the “modern” lifestyle, but they can also not let go of the past which they love to call “sanskriti”.

Recently, my mother narrated (to me) this conversation which she had with her friend. Apparently, her friend was gossiping about one of their mutual friend, whose daughter in law, even after “4 years of marriage”, had not conceived a child. How that has to be her problem, I have no idea. But this is exactly how it went.

Gossip Aunty: “It’s been 4 years since they got married. Still no child. She is already 27! God knows how their families can allow this. The right time has already passed. I don’t know what is wrong with today’s girls. They just want to go after their careers. Nothing else matters to them!”

Mom: “Yeah, but career is important!”

Gossip Aunty: “Ha Matlab thik hai career-shareer, par ye jyada jaruri hai na. It is the responsibility and the duty of the girl to give birth to a child and look after it. At least until it is 5 or something. Job ka kya itna!”

I was dumbstruck by this conversation. And then I had a few questions which I would really love to ask her, whenever I get a chance to meet her.

Q1. How is it your concern, lady? It is her life! It is the girl and her husband’s decision whether or not to have a child. Who are you to talk about their life decisions?!

Q2. Why is it only the woman’s responsibility? Isn’t the man equally responsible (pun not intended)? It is his child as well. The poor woman has already been through hell, carrying the baby for 9 months, going through all the pregnancy pains, not to mention the delivery, the post pregnancy trauma- she also has to be completely responsible for the child until it is 5? Isn’t the man equally responsible and entitled to taking care of and looking after the kid? I mean c’mon, we have paternity leaves coming up for men as well and here we are- still stuck to the notion that “it is entirely the woman’s responsibility.”

Q3: Her statement, “duty of the girl to give birth to a child”. Duty? Seriously? *goes and pukes*

Q4. What is with this “today’s girls” tag? Yes, we are today’s girls. Yes, we are passionate about our careers. Yes, we do give importance to our dreams. We are proud of it. Stop using the term “today's girls” as if it means something degrading or satanic.

I do not know when will people really start understanding these things. At times, I just feel it’s the women who bring down women- setting up standards, putting out tags, judging, gossiping about the ‘what why and whens’, especially when it is none of their business.

People need to realize it’s high time now that we start giving women their freedom- literally and not merely for the purpose of giving speeches on women’s days. We need to stop tagging girls who have more than one relationship, who decide to not get married even in their thirties, who do not wish to conceive even if their “biological clock” is ticking, who go out and about with their careers, who follow their dreams and place their passion before everybody else, who wish to achieve a position in the world before anything else. We need to stop pulling them down, trying to fit them in our clichéd, pre-decided, good-for-nothing molds. Let them decide for themselves what they wish for in life, what they wish to do with their own lives. Stop clipping their wings and let them fly.

Respecting a woman does not always just mean not harassing her physically. It also means respecting her dreams, her opinions, her decisions and her lifestyle AND accepting it.

The sooner we realize this, the better.